Dam
by Bluenet13
Summary: "Love and loss … are like a ship and the sea. They rise together. The more we love, the more we have to lose. But the only way to avoid loss is to avoid love. And what a sad world that would be." ― V.E. Schwab, "A Conjuring of Light". Post-ep for "The Silo" (9x07): A rooftop, a conversation and bonding over their Wonder Women. *Spoilers for last aired-episode*


_I loved "The Silo" but I was left feeling a lot of conflicting emotions after the episode, and I ended up opening a document and just typing whatever my heart was feeling. I loved writing this story and just as with the first one I posted last week my only hope if that someone gives it a chance. As a reminder English is not my first language and I apologize for any mistakes. *I don't own anything, just showing my love for my favorite show.*_

* * *

After the conversation in the rooftop he didn't follow Kensi back into the building. He needed to gather his thoughts and that's something he could only do on his own. He wished he was near the ocean, but the night air would have to do; at least living in LA, and with the Pacific always closed by, he could still feel some of that familiar saltiness in the air.

He felt like he was losing his mind, and the dam containing his emotions was breaking. He was feeling so many conflicting emotions and his heart kept moving from one to the other at a faster pace than his mind could keep up with. For one he was extremely happy and proud that his partner had managed to save the world from certain nuclear war. But, on the other hand, he was sad (Angry? Dissapointed?) that his girlfriend had been so willing to sacrifice what they had.

He knew he was probably being selfish and immature, but he was human after all and he wouldn't fault himself from feeling the way he did. It was his right, and it was his heart the one that was at stake. He had already lost so much and he couldn't envision his life without the light that always shone brighter among his darkness. He tried to think of the positives, of all the times, they together as a team, had managed to save the world, and the feeling of joy and accomplishment that brought him. But not today; today, no matter what, he couldn't stop thinking that Kensi would always choose to be a super-hero over him.

He had brought up the conversation of the future a few times already, and every time they seemed to be on different pages. They both had lost a lot in their lives, but somehow among all the chaos, broken pieces and darkness, they had managed to find each other. Destiny had brought them together; but they, through many hardships, and failures to communicate, but also laughs, trust and loyalty, had managed to stay together for this long. And his mind couldn't even process losing her, not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

Kensi had lost her father, her ex-fiancé, her ex-partner, and her only military connection to her father, but she still succeeded in finding a family for herself. She had two older brothers in Callen and Sam, a second motherly figure in Hetty and some younger siblings in Eric and Nell. She also had Deeks, who was her partner, her friend, her boyfriend, her fiancé, and maybe someday her husband. She could never get back the people she had lost but at least she had others that, in a way, were able to feel the void.

Deeks on the other hand, hadn't lost that many people. He did lose his father, but that was a relief, he also lost his ex-partner but that also was a relief. In fact, in both cases he was the trigger to the end. But throughout his somewhat short life Deeks still had lost a lot, and also learned a lot…

As a young kid he lost the belief that the world was perfect and learned that not adults were meant to protect you.

As an older kid he lost the beginning of his innocence and learned that maybe deep down he was not destined for good.

As a high school student he lost the belief that the world was easy to explain and learned that it wasn't white or black, but that it constantly moved in a gradient, with most people falling somewhere in between.

As a college student he lost part of his dignity and learned that sometimes you needed to make fun of yourself to get by.

As a public defender he lost his belief in the law, and learned that bad buys not always lost and good guys weren't always meant to persevere.

As a police officer he lost his belief in the goodness of men, and learned that no matter what you did, evil sometimes triumphed.

As an undercover detective he lost the remainder of his innocence, and learned that his soul would always be stained.

As an NCIS liaison he lost his belief in getting any of the things he had lost back, and learned that some things were lost forever.

Deeks had lost a lot, not people, but parts of himself, and life had taught him that those things were really hard to reclaim. Life was not a perfect scale, good actions didn't erase the bad ones, white didn't turn black into gray, and light, no matter how bright, didn't always vanquish the shadows.

Still he had managed to carve a small cave among the darkness, and that cave was called Kensi Marie Blye; but today he had again learned how easily all that could be taken away from him and how powerless he would be if that were to happen.

Deeks had never counted on anyone during his short life: at 11 he took his future in his own hands and shot his father, as a young cop he took justice in his own hands and shot his partner, but right now he couldn't take anything in his own hands because this was no longer only his story. He had never counted on anyone before NCIS, but somehow during the past 7 years he had ended up not only counting on this group of people, but totally relying on them.

Not only Kensi, who was his partner, friend, girlfriend, fiancé, his everything…

But also Hetty who even with all the times they hadn't seen equal, and her decisions he hadn't supported, had been the person that brought him to this family and during a time where his mother was still absent from his life, was the motherly figure he needed. Callen and Sam who through a lot of disagreements and perceived-differences had managed to become like brotherly figures for him. Eric who was his surfing buddy and the only one that understood his connection to the water. Nell, the Velma to his Shaggy, and his rock during the previous times that he had been left without a partner.

He never wanted to rely on anyone, not after so many people had failed him in the past: Brandel, Boyle, Scarli, to name a few; but sometimes life happened, destiny brought people together and families formed in the unlikeliest of environments.

-x-x-x-

Deeks was brought out of his thoughts by the door to the rooftop opening and he breathed in a shaky breath. His first thought was that it was Kensi, coming back to convince him to go home together. They had driven in different cars today but during their previous conversation she had tried to get him to leave his truck here for the night and just drive together with her. Even though it hurt, and it slightly broke his heart, he had refused and asked for some little time to gather his thoughts. After all he would be back home tonight.

As the steps got closer he started questioning his initial assessment, and the big and strong hand on his shoulder definitely told him it wasn't Kensi who was behind him. He still didn't turn around and continued to stare silently at the LA skyline.

The man standing next to Deeks said nothing, he only took the younger man's demeanor and studied his friend's appearance. His hair was more disheveled than usual, his eyes were red, and the traces of dry tears were still present on his cheeks. He moved to stand next to him, trying to decide what to say first.

Eventually it was the blonde detective who asked the first question, "Everything okay big man? Not thinking I'm going to jump are you?"

"Don't even joke about that man, and it's not me we should be concerned about."

"What's that supposed to mean? I'm okay if that's what you're asking, I don't need a babysitter."

Sam shifted uncomfortably, still not entirely sure how to be a big brother to the detective standing next to him. They had come a long way from Deeks' earlier days at NCIS, a shared traumatic experience being the cement that had eventually brought both men together. But still, they were so different in the surface, and their approach to life, even though their core values and loyalty were equal in all senses, that he sometimes doubted his ability to reach the younger man.

"I know you don't…" he eventually said, still not entirely sure how to continue.

"Then what are you doing here Sam? Did Callen finally drove you crazy and away from your own boat?"

"Do you always have to joke?"

"Where's that even coming from, I thought we were way past that point in our relationship."

"I'm just trying to help brother, I know you're hurting and I know what you're going through, sometimes it's hard to talk about it with the other half of the problem but a different face might help."

"What are you saying Sam?"

"Come on Deeks, don't make this harder than it needs to be. I know what happened with Kensi shook you. I don't how what was said, but Eric and Nell showed me the video from the armory so I know what happened."

"Are you here to complain about it? Did Mosley saw the video? Does she wants to fire me again?"

"You know that's not what this is about it, this is not about the armory, or a stupid chair, or Mosley or anyone else for that matter, it is about you, brother… And I'm just trying to help you."

"I know Sam, I'm sorry. It's just… sometimes it feels like it is too much and I just can't deal with everything anymore. Joking is what has always gotten me through difficult times and sometimes I don't know what else to do just to stay alive."

"That's why I'm here… As I was saying, I know what you're feeling. And I know that it is hard to sometimes communicate those feelings and fears… about the job, the sacrifice we make, the fear of losing each other. When… when Michelle and I were just starting we faced that issue. And if I'm completely honest we still did until the day that she… died."

At the mention of Michelle, Deeks finally turned fully to look at Sam, only finding understand and compassion in his eyes.

"It was hard for us to talk about it sometimes, so I talked to G. He's not the best with words, and he's definitely lacking in the couples and communication department, but he listened and he was there when I needed to unwind. That's what I'm offering you now… If you need it."

Deeks took in a deep breath and turn to look at the LA skyline for one more second, trying to imagine that he was in front on the ocean and drawing strength from it.

"How did you…" Tears started shining in his eyes but he was determined to push through and not cry in front of his teammate. "How did you do it Sam? Sometimes I don't know if I can keep going anymore."

Sam ignored the evident tears in Deeks' eyes and understood that the man was uncomfortable with letting them fall in his presence, he at least valued that Deeks seemingly was accepting his help.

"I won't say it's easy, but it all comes from balance. You both already know what you were getting yourself into, it's not like you guys started as partners at the same time as you decided to move your thing forward. You have to balance, what you give and what you gain. Work and home. The scares of the job but the joy that the afterwards brings. And more than anything you need to live, enjoy the time you have together and never have any regrets in case the time… is cut short."

Sam voice broke at the end and he inadvertently looked at the sky, thinking of his wife as he said the last words.

"Was it worth it?" Deeks eventually asked after some minutes taking in the words the older man gave him.

"Every minute of it…" Was Sam's quick response. "And I would give anything in my life to have just one more minute to tell Michelle how much I love her and how much I miss her…"

"But you man, you have a lot more minutes with Kensi. Don't waste them being alone on a rooftop feeling sorry for yourself or worried about the future. You can't change what happened and you can't predict what will happen next, so just enjoy and live every moment you have with her."

"I don't think I could go on if something happened to her…" Deeks' whispered words were barely audible.

"Don't think about that brother, none of us know how much time we have left. We can be killed by a bullet or an explosion, yes, but also by a faulty car, a disease or whatever life has in store for us. Kensi loves you and you love her so just ignore the rest of the world and live in that moment and with that knowledge."

"But…"

"But what Deeks? Believe me, it's not that complicated."

"What if the same opportunity presents itself and she chooses the job over… me… again." He sounded unsure and somewhat ashamed of the words he was saying.

"Is this what this is about Deeks? You think she chose the job over you? If that's really what you think I will just ask you a question, how do you think she felt last week when she saw your truck slamming against a police cruiser and then you were not responding to her calls? Or every time someone shots at you for that matter? This job will always have risks, we all agreed to them when we said our oaths, and it's not a matter of choice, but the fact that we're all fighting to make the world a better place for the people we love; be it, me for my kids, Kensi for you, or you for her… Or really any of us for each other."

Deeks thought about everything that Sam had just said. He realized then that he loved Kensi, every part of her, including the brave one who was always Wonder Woman and who would always do her best to protect her country and make it a better place for the people she loved. After all, if they wanted to raise little ninja mutant assassins they couldn't do it in a nuclear-infested world.

"Thanks man, thanks a lot for the… perspective." Deeks wasn't used to people caring about him and as such wasn't sure how to respond to Sam actions.

"We're always here for you man, I know we didn't look eye to eye when you first joined us, but that was a long time ago and we're family now. And family cares and protects each other."

Deeks stayed quiet for a moment and eventually said the words he had wanted to say for a long time but never managed to gather the courage to actually speak them.

"I'm sorry…"

Sam looked confused now, Deeks was known to say unpredictable things and after years of working together he still managed to surprise them. "What could you possibly be sorry about?"

Deeks swallowed hard and turned back to look at the city, without looking back at Sam, he whispered words that hurt as they were finally coming out. "For not getting to Michelle in time."

"Oh…" Sam hadn't been expecting that and initially was left speechless.

Deeks took it as a sign that the senior agent held some resentment over him, but then Sam grabbed his shoulder and turned him to look him in the eyes. "I don't blame you man, I never did and I never will. What happened wasn't yours or Kensi's or Callen's or Michelle's fault… Not even my own, it was only Tahir's and he's paying in hell for that."

"I'm still sorry man, if only I had gotten there a little earlier, if I had seen the light sooner…"

"Deeks stop, please stop, don't dwell on the past, what happened, happened, we can't do anything about it, just to move forward. I need to stay strong for my kids, because now I'm the only parent they have left. I thought about quitting over the summer, I couldn't leave my kids alone if anything happened to me. But also what kind of parent would I be if I didn't do my best to make this world a better place for them? That's what Michelle did, that's what Kensi and you're doing. It's not the life for everyone but it's the life for us…"

Deeks blinked back some tears and struggled with what to say next. For a man known for how much he talked, he surely was having trouble formulating a sentence tonight. "You're right Sam, it's not an easy job but somebody has to do it. And Kensi, she's the best example of that, she lives for being an agent and protecting, and I could never ask her to resign to that for me."

"You too brother, back when he were in the hospital, you know, after the… torture, I told you someday you would be a great agent, now I know you don't need that, you're already damn great at what you do, no matter what title you carry. Don't underestimate yourself or your ability to cope, I know better than anyone the strength you have in you. But also, don't think you need to do everything alone man, we already have Callen as the lone-wolf, trust your team and look for help when you feel you need it." Sam words were spoken from the heart. He rarely had this type of conversation with his team but he had learned a lot in his years as a Seal, agent, and married to an equally strong agent, and he was happy to share some of that knowledge with his teammates when he believed they needed it.

"Thanks Sam…" Deeks wanted to say more, but somehow he felt the other man knew what this conversation meant to him without words needing to be spoken. They remained silently looking at the LA skyline, standing next to each other, as equals, as friends, and as brothers, both content in the other man's company and knowing that no matter what tomorrow brought they would all be ready to face it together, as a team and as a family, because when all was said and done, that was the only thing all of them had left.

After 10 more minutes both men decided it was time to go home. Sam to his boat, to keep building a new life for himself and his children, and silently and lonelily ridding himself from the ghosts of what Tahir had done to his life, and Deeks ready to face the remainder of whatever time he had left along with his princess, because every minute next to her was worth two away from each other.

The conversation had meant to help the younger man cope, but it ended up being what both men needed. Detective or agent they both felt in the same way. And sometimes words were able to save the man to whom they're spoken but also the one who's speaking them in the first place.

* * *

 _Thanks a lot for reading and I hope you enjoyed my little story. As always reviews are much appreciated :)_


End file.
